surely.. it's been so long since the last time i wrote anything here :) n i doubt now that anyone from my circle would read any of these already :) well.. since most people only know that this is the graveyard of my previous life cycle... and i sort of bet, that the last person in my current circle of life (which would i guess be the first to explore the blog) wouldn't be visiting this already somehow :) so i guess.. i can pour whatever i have in my mind here.. a little bit freely :)
(and yes.. i still remember how i usually start the title... vowels are non-capitals.. n non-vowels are capitals :D easy :D)
i have been long journeying in a lot of male-female relationship (yes.. heterosexual kind of relationship.. i never tried any other option).. there was once, i'm the one who chase the girl down everywhere she goes :)... while there was once, i got chased by the girl... n there was once.. when i suddenly met a girl fell for her.. and tada.. in one week we got together :P and there was once.. i struggling up and down.. sacrificing my whole two years ? or so.. and definitely, i sacrifice my study, just trying to make someone not sad :) or happy.. keeping her company n stuff :) n well... she's got a boyfriend back then when i do all the chasing.. although i'm pretty sure i treat her a lot better.. n sacrifice my time a lot more for her... she doesn't fall for me... instead.. she just broke up with her boyfriend somehow... n there i was.. just considered as a good friend and it stopped there... :) and there is once.. knowing each other for quite a long time.. a few years.. (that u still can count with your fingers on your left hands..) but realising her existence only in the last few months :)
one similar thing about all these relationship is that.. relationship, create an attachment.. create a need for each other.. create the kind of feeling wanting to stay close...
this attachment can be pretty sweet or irritating.. depending how u see it.. and how one party react towards the other party's attachment.. :) certainly.. i wasn't much of a guy who's easily get this feeling of attachment... why? because, i had the kind of attachment once.. and i fell down from certain height.. well.. i recovered.. not completely though n it's just the kind of experience i would not repeat :)
this attachment is usually formed from continuous act of love (or language of love.. or whatever u call it :) ) the act n the language of love.. made someone felt good.. felt floating in the air somehow.. and this create a certain addiction :0 well.. literally an addiction :) the kind that made u want more and more, and would cause a great pain when it is not happening :) this addiction is not good... and when addiction occurs.. it will make the attachment, a negative one... why ? because.. once someone attached themselves to someone... s/he would mean the whole world to that person.. and when it is cut off.. that person would surely felt an unbearable pain.. and may drive someone to committing suicide..
from time to time.. it is my forte to prevent attachment from happening.. or at least happens on my side of the story.. but then.. wham... out of the blue.. in just a few weeks.. i formed an attachment like never before... it scares me a lot.. i never felt this kind of attachment towards someone before.. there were times when i just simply fell, because of not seeing her for a week.. that feels like years.. to the point that i really feel something is missing.. something is not right.. (though after realising the problem, that i missed her, i felt a lot better n a lot more motivated :) )
darn.. how can i fall so fast to the trap i'm avoiding the most... i can only say that.. she's really that special for me despite of all the challenges i would have to face when i go down this road with her... :) there were times when i felt so lonely and empty because she weren't with me.. or she chose to do other things than staying with me :) she certainly knows how to hit the right "green" button (though she has yet to press the best right "green" button, i'll just wait and hope she pressed that :) )... however.. she's also the one who knows well how to hit the worst "red" button :) ( and smart enough not to press anything in between :) ) and there were time when i reach critical point n blasted off :( n i surely regret that, because it seems that it left a deep wound mark on her..
however, a little more than a week ago.. i realise that i am attached to her... n the thing about me is that... when i realise a problem... as long as it is within me... i would somehow resolve it very fast... just with a snap of a finger.. it would have gone... now that i have realised it.. i am scared even more.. i am scared that if i do not have this attachment to her, i'd then tend to stray away from her.. i do not want that to happen.. now i'm clinging n hoping that the attachment doesn't disappear.. so i'd be able to maintain the relationship with her... because no relationship would survive if there's no feeling of being needed or needing between two human beings..
i guess.. this attachment is far more complicated that i had thought it would.. but again.. she's very special to me somehow.. i truly never felt the kind of feeling i have towards someone..