I have put up a lot of effort... I have make a step nobody has taken yet... I never intended to be hardheaded, I just need people to do one thing, convince me logically... Tell me what need to be done and I has not done yet...
I am pathetic because now, I have to disappear to hide my emotion... I'm scared of my poker face would fail me this time :) I can't hide my regret, I can't hide my disappointment..
So, someone who i see incapable to do what needs to be done is seen as capable because that person is said to be wiser because that person is easier to persuade? easier to be moved.. while lacking other qualities that i see is needed...
I'm still sad , i'm still disappointed... not because everyone supported her... but because there's only one person (not sure if there's more...) that see what i've gone through.. the person i would least expect because of an ugly history between us... while the other two person that i hoped would stand for me do not :) i tried so hard.. i am that nervous.. i hate the fact that after all.. i'm alone, well.. not alone at all :) i've got at least someone who's in the same boat.. maybe he felt the same way as i do because he is in that exact position as i do..
how would you feel if you've prepared a lot, u've worked so hard... and you are pitted against someone who said he didn't prepare anything and proved he didn't prepare anything... and the judge said, he chose the one against you just because he thought he could work better with him than you...
now, put another situation, you've prepared a lot, u've worked so hard.. and you are pitted against someone who said that he is just anyhow go in just to make things merrier, he proved that he prepared nothing... he didn't even have any intention of winning... the judge knew how hard you've worked for it... the jury, on the other hand, i guess a few knew what i've been through but choose to stay quiet.. while a few other juries were saying more or less you are not good enough because u are firmer in what you hold in mind... and when the judge was asked for his decision :) he chose the other person instead of you...
now.. how am i suppose to feel... i know the judge... i know a few of the jury.. who stayed quiet.. n who are not exactly on my side.. what made me sad is the fact that the judge and the few jury who stayed quiet... i hate myself who can't think of other thing once i'm alone.. i kept thinking about this... i kept thinking and asking... give me a reason i can reason with...
why would that person got the chance to cover the weakness.. we'll support him from behind where he's lacking, we'll remind him if he is being undisciplined and late to do the work... we'll remind him if he's being easy on someone... we'll back him up academically too...
why wouldn't i got the chance to cover my weakness that they see.. i don't hear them saying we'll remind him if he's being hard headed.. we'll try to reason more with him... we'll cover you up... i hate the fact that all my effort doesn't count... i hate the fact that everything that i gather before debating, before reasoning, fighting their logic is counted as me being hard headed...
i'm pathetic.. i'm so pathetic now for keep thinking about this..
i'm just simply sad.. for the fact that you do not stand with me after all :) i believe you could always make a wise and objective judgment.. but you said you would be subjective because it's me.. now i wonder, is it you who think you would be subjective.. or is it you think everyone would think you are subjective? you said yourself you said that u might not be compatible with that person, but why don't you say it..